if this is his domain

I've been looking at pictures of dinosaurs for hours and listening to Imogen Heap and I think my brain has developed a new neural channel that links pictures of t-rexes to an intimate but alien fear of the divine. I won't be able to look at their retarded little claws ever again without feeling an existential pang.

The days build on top of each other, I feel like they are building a path to the thing I've been feeling scraping out the inside of my chest, making a nest in my collapsed sternum, like a squatter in a tenement. Each day it rips at me more and more, demanding to be let out. I've been fighting equally hard to keep it contained, to keep my life the same humdrum mess of love and tradition it has been my whole life, but, I don't feel like I keep it up. Whether or not, I feel like my potential is taking over the reigns and no amount of push-back will keep it contained. Maybe this is just the sugary-sweet deception of springtime, but, I feel like it's more.


I wonder if she knows how much I miss her. Probably best to keep her in the dark, I feel like I've worn out my welcome. She seems distant now, cold, maybe even uncaring. That could be just a front, of course, I've hurt her many times but when I turn to her, I feel like she turns back. She talks about him alot, but, he's distant and I feel like she feels tricked and is looking for something that doesn't really exist. I can only hope I will not be banned from her life for my mistakes, prolific as they are. I've come to love her, maybe have loved her for longer than I knew, and I can't lose it.