hard to say

not talking to her makes my ventricles seize and my blood run sluggish. my eyes water and my hands shake and i feel cold. these days, i don't do too much. my body is active, i am locomotive, i don't see the inside of my new place too often, but, my mind is always with her and it'd probably be difficult to center myself, but, i rarely try. i guess you could say i was lonely, but, i'm not sure what that means honestly. i've almost always been alone and never seemed to have any trouble coping with it, but, this feeling of solitude is different, unwanted. i see her, from time to time, and it catches my breath, the oxygen halting in the back of my throat and making me choke on nothing. i've tried dating her lesser phantasams, what nabokov would call her "haidmaidens" but they either ignore me or my body rejects them as it would a rotten heart transplant.